Suffering
by onlyonceinforever
Summary: Remus Lupin confronts the worst kind of demons...the ones within yourself. :ONESHOT:


**Disclaimer: (sigh) Seriously, people, do I _really_ need to do this?**

**A/N: Seeing as how it's Remus's birthday, Celia (Snape's Gurl) and I found it fitting to write cute little oneshots about our favorite werewolf writhing and drowning in angst. Enjoy!**

**Suffering**

_Why was I fated to be like this?_ Remus Lupin stared at the wooden desk in front of him, head in his hands. _Why me, as opposed to somebody else? _

_I suppose that's just the way things are, _he thought, a condemning nature sneaking into his thoughts. _If it didn't happen to me, then it would have to somebody else._

_**So what?**,_ another little voice in the back of his head made its presence known. **_So what if somebody else had to suffer instead of you? At least you would be better off for it. _**

_But that's not the way things are supposed to work - I wouldn't be happy to know someone else was in pain because I was not._

_**And you're happy now? Think about it, Remus, the chances of you actually knowing whoever the poor, tortured soul who would bear your curse are practically none. You wouldn't know them, so why would you care?**_

_Because, _the first voice protested, _it wouldn't be right._

_**Oh, and it is right that you have to deal with this every month for the rest of you life? Where's the justification in that? **_

_**Precisely. There is none. So why would it matter if someone you didn't even know bore this burden instead of you?**_

_**Exactly my point. It wouldn't matter. So why are you beating yourself up about this?**_

_Because... What if it had been James, or Sirius, or even Peter who had been bitten instead of me? I wouldn't ever want them to have to go through what I do. Or anybody else, for that matter. _

_**All right, fair enough. But you could have supported them the same way they supported you. Instead of the one being pitied, you would be the one doing the pitying. Wouldn't that have been so much better?**_

_No! That would have been worse!_

_**Why?**_

_Because-because they're my friends, that's why!_

_**And what have they ever done for you? Sure, they changed into Animagi to be with you during the full moon every month, but you just know that behind your back they were talking about how annoying it was that you needed to be babysat.**_

_What? No, you're wrong! James and the others would never say that! They're my friends; they did what they did of their own volition!_

_**Yes, but because they felt an obligation to you. You were always bailing them out of trouble, helping them with their homework, turning a blind eye to their antics. Without you, they would never have gotten to the places they did. **_

_No! You're wrong! I-_

_**What? Know that's not true? But do you? Do you really? You don't know what they would say when you weren't around. What was stopping them from talking about you behind your back?**_

_No! James, Sirius, Peter and I - we were friends! Friends don't talk about each other behind their backs!_

_**Are you trying to convince me or yourself? Because it certainly sounds like you're the one who doesn't believe yourself. Why else would you need to keep repeating the same information over and over again?**_

_Because I..._

_**You what? Know that I'm right? Know that the suffering you've endured all this time would have been better off transferred to someone else. You should never have had to suffer the way you have. You don't deserve the pain; there are others who deserve to suffer, who need to suffer in order to understand what you've been through, what you'll continue to go through for the rest of your life.**_

_But there's no point in thinking that way, now is there? _The first voice gained strength. _There's no way to change the past, now is there? There's no reason to mourning things that can't be altered._

_**But what if you could turn back the clock? Would you have sacrificed someone else to prevent your own suffering?**_

_No. _

_**Are you sure?**_

_Yes. As bad as it's been for me, it would have been worse for someone else._

_**There's no changing your mind, is there?**_

_. . . No._

_**Fine. You win, for now. But just remember this - you will never be rid of me. I will always be here, in your head, taunting you, trying to convince you of what you claim is wrong, eating away at your determination, little by little. You can never get rid of your demons, Remus. **_

****And then... silence.


End file.
